Are YOU Jane Doe?
Being Jane Doe has been my secret for over 50 years. Take a moment to digest that. Just that sentence holds so much. What does any secret do to your body, your mind, your soul, your heart? How difficult is it to keep a secret? How lonely is it? How devastating is it?
Now let's move past that first sentence and go deeper. Some of us Jane Does have never fully healed. Honestly, after having lived with this so long, I often wonder if it's even possible. I've done all the therapy, self-help, praying, searching, willing it to go away; I've done it all. It has consumed more of me than anything else in my life. Stop! Think! More than any experience, moment, love, life, action... IT has consumed me.
Anyone who uses the phrase "playing the victim" is fortunate and blessed. Their ignorance that they've never had to feel this way. It shows how little they understand. I can't speak for others; I can only say that if I had the choice, I wouldn't BE a victim. I wouldn't play the victim. Nobody would be able to tell I was a victim. If I had a choice not to have something so terrifying, so harmful, so devastating, so unfair, so shameful, so confusing, so life-altering, so lonely... if I had the choice of that never happening, never affecting my life, anyone who thinks I wouldn't have made that choice is an idiot.
You see, Jane Doe could have been you. I didn't do anything differently than you. To say someone is playing the victim is to victimize them all over again. We're told to get help, but the words won't even leave the mouth. It took until I was sixteen to even let my mind start to process anything that had happened to me. It took until I was in my twenties to simply state that I was a Jane Doe. It took until my fifties to say it out loud to anyone besides my spouse and therapists. And it's taken until now to write this. There are only a handful of people in my life who know ANYTHING about my experiences, and nobody knows the details. The protective part of me won't let them out. Won't let me process them.
It's complicated, intense, and just like everything else in life, you really don't understand unless you've walked in my exact shoes and lived my exact life. So please, DON'T JUDGE! Don't assume. Don't question. Don't doubt. Don't even have an opinion, and if you do, don't put it out there where Jane Does have to see it, hear it, and be victimized all over again.
If you're not a Jane Doe, first of all, be grateful. Then understand that the best thing you can do is simply have empathy and grace. Assume we are doing the best we can to get through life. Accept that, yes, even ONE event can change our brain, our chemistry, our abilities, our mental health, possibly FOREVER!
Most of us are not asking for anything. Most of us want to hide. Most of us want to be normal. Most of us want to forget. Most of us know we're not right, that people see us as "off", mentally unstable. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. Most of us want to heal. Most of us want to be the person we would have been if nothing had ever happened. Give us a break. Look for the good in us. Praise it. Accept us. Love us unconditionally. And when being a victim rears its ugly head, in the way we handle things, in our trauma responses, maybe take a minute and do some research. Because when we have been violated in such a way and felt like we could never talk about it, we DO NOT HAVE CONTROL when we are triggered. It doesn't matter how much we've learned. Our mind and body do not have time to consider what's happening and take deep breaths or count to 3 or think rationally. We are IN THE MOMENT, and we are fighting for our lives. For our innocence. For our safety. We are BEGGING FOR SOMEONE TO SAVE US! We are seeing the person who triggered the response as the enemy, the perpetrator, the devil himself, and we respond. PERIOD! We don't mean to, and we certainly don't want to. We know we are showing the very worst versions of ourselves. That version is not who we are! That version should never be considered when you think about us and who we are.
In my experience, this is one of the most misunderstood parts of it all. The trauma response. I have damaged relationships because of being brought to the point of a trauma response and then spending the rest of my life apologizing for it and trying not to make it sound like I'm playing the victim or excusing my behavior. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? Maybe my behavior should be excused. If I've spent my life trying to heal and fix this and I haven't been successful, why is it that I'm judged for something I literally have no control over?
Nobody who has brought me to the point of being triggered has ever apologized or taken responsibility for getting me there. I'm not at all saying it was purposeful. But, especially if it's a loved one who knows you've been traumatized, shouldn't there be some kind of understanding? Maybe they don't need to be accountable for their part in it, but shouldn't they at least be understanding? Shouldn't they talk about it with you and empathize and ask how THEY could have handled things differently so as not to have that happen again? Is this not part of love and relationship?
I am Jane Doe. I didn't choose it. I hate it. You don't have to give it a thought. You don't have to understand. You don't have to offer grace. You don't have to learn how to handle me better. But if you can't or don't want to do any of those things, I'd be better off without you in my life. Because I should NEVER have to apologize for what happened to me when there was nothing I could do about it. And you should be forever grateful it didn't happen to you.
I'd love to hear from anyone who can relate to this post! You are not alone, and neither am I!
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