What If?

I know you're not supposed to focus on the past or think about how things would've been different if certain things hadn't happened. I accept this. As a Christian, I know that God will bring all things together for good. "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28. And I believe it.

But I'm human, and in this current atmosphere of focus on sexual assault and Jane Doe, I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different if I were never a Jane Doe, or if I hadn't had any of the adverse situations that shaped my life.

First, I'd like to think about the positives. I know that sounds crazy! But I do believe that I would not be as loving, caring, and empathetic as I am today had I not been victimized. I ALWAYS strive to put myself in others' shoes and to understand the reasons behind behaviors. I've worked extremely hard at healing and stopping generational trauma. I've forgiven again and again and been loyal in relationships. I love donating, volunteering, contributing, and helping make others happy. I want to be the kind of person who brings joy to others. I want to be the person who lights up a room with her smile. It's just who I am, naturally. Do people see me this way? I don't think so.

My mantra, which may surprise others, is to share a smile with everyone I can, because that may be the only smile they see that day. This is why I create handmade greeting cards and donate them to an organization that passes them on. This is why I make baby blankets for babies in intensive care units. This is why I make ornaments to send to an organization that sends them to victims of natural disasters who've lost everything. This is why I make cards for and volunteer for a camp for foster children. This is why I was so passionate about being a teacher. This is why I was involved in every toy drive, food drive, and clothes drive that my school ever had for over twenty years. This is why I created a "Cheers for Peers" newsletter at my school. This is why I find a way to compliment at least one person a day. This is why I taught social-emotional intelligence to my first and second graders.

This is who I truly am, or at least who I want to be. This is the legacy I want to leave. Not because I want attention and accolades. Not because I want everyone to think I'm amazing. Just because it makes me happy. It makes me feel like I'm being the person God created me to be. And it makes me feel like I'm making a difference.

Would I have turned out this way if I had not suffered? I don't know.

But I wonder...

Would I have so many mental health issues? Would I suffer from what, at times, is debilitating depression?

Would I be hypersensitive, noticing EVERYTHING that goes on around me? Would I pick up on people's facial expressions, the mood of a room, the tension in someone's jaw, the anxiety another is feeling?

Would I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells?

Would I always feel like everything's my fault, only to turn around and vehemently fight for myself if I'm blamed?

Would I always feel responsible for the feelings of those I love?

Would I think I could fix everyone and everything?

Would I give until I have nothing left?

Would I only rely on myself and never need anyone? And if I ever let myself need anyone, would I feel like nobody could ever be there for me to the extent I needed?

Would I hate myself and love myself at the same time?

Would I cause self-harm and wish to not be on this earth anymore?

Would I feel like I'm too sensitive for this world?

Would I have to completely hide my head in the sand because the news of this world is so horrifying?

Would I feel nauseous and have anxiety attacks in certain situations?

Would my heart bleed for children who are hurt, neglected, taken advantage of, trafficked, broken?

Would I never feel comfortable in my own skin?

Would I not second-guess everything I say and do?

Would I not lie awake at night with everything I'd done that day replaying in my head?

Would I have felt the need to be perfect all my life?

Would I ever, ever stop yearning for and grieving the nurturing love of a mother?

Would I have had the capacity to be mean and belittling with my voice?

Would I have relied on alcohol to numb the pain?

Would I have made the life-altering mistakes I've made?

Would I have caused so much hurt for others?

Would I have had a more successful marriage?

Would I have been a better friend?

Would I have been a better teacher?

Would I have been a better mom?

Would I be a better grandma?

Would I have the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship I always assumed I'd have?

Would I have lived a joy-filled life?

Would others have seen my for my heart and soul and not my negative actions?

Would I have done more? Accomplished more? Left more of me behind?

I'm no different than most. Most of us have been shaped by some sort of trauma in our lives. Most of us try to heal and do the best we possibly can. And I know, as I said, that we shouldn't live with regrets and what-ifs. But we do. So I'm just putting it out there.

Who I am, what I am, what I've done, the legacy I'm leaving behind... all of it has been affected by being victimized and having trauma. I can only imagine what would have been, if only...