Memories & Moments: Life with Alzheimer's

When Alzheimer’s rudely inserted itself into my mom’s life almost three years ago, I was shocked. I mistakenly assumed that because she had always had an excellent memory, she’d never be afflicted with this disease. That was the first of many misconceptions I’ve come to discover. 

I thought Alzheimer’s was about losing memory. My mom was having trouble remembering names and coming up with words. I researched the disease to learn more about it and what to expect. Still, I did not fully grasp the moments no one seems to discuss. These moments are what define my mom’s life now, and the empathy I have for what she’s going through, and knowing it will only get worse, feels like it will kill me.

There are the moments when she realizes there’s something wrong with her brain. Moments when she asks if she will ever get better. Moments when she hears the doctor say it’s a progressive disease and asks you what "progressive" means. And moments when she asks, “What if I forget everything?”

Then there are the moments when she hallucinates, and you can’t make her understand that the hallucinations aren’t real. Moments when those hallucinations make her run away, leading to her getting lost or waking the neighbor at 4:30 in the morning, or flagging down the Amazon delivery girl, or getting into a stranger’s car. And moments when she flies across the country to visit her sister and thinks she’s at a stranger's house the whole time.

There are moments when she thinks the man she’s been married to for 63 years is someone else, waking up thinking there’s a stranger in her bed. Moments when she refers to her daughter as another person while actually talking to her. Moments of being scared (so many) because she’s so confused or doesn’t know what’s going to happen to her. And moments when she feels like a burden to her family and says they’d be better off without her.

  Finally, there are moments when she questions why God would allow such a cruel, torturous disease to attack her brain, and moments when she doesn’t want to be here anymore.

When Alzheimer’s rudely inserted itself into my mom’s life almost three years ago, I thought my mom would live her life, slowly forgetting things and eventually not knowing who people were. What I never knew about or expected were all these moments.